A few days ago, I walked a short distance, rode a bike a long distance, then traveled by airboat an even longer distance through Everglade National Park and once again got blown away by the majesty of nature.
A day later, I encountered the choppiest waters I’ve ever been through while going out to scuba dive some wrecks. And then I got sea sick but still managed to complete two dives between constantly and violently throwing up. And I learned that I still had some serious distance to go when it comes to not being so hard on myself.
And then a day after that, I steeled myself to get back on the boat again. But turns out that wasn’t necessary as the day was gorgeous with clear skies and a calm sea. So I started to give myself some more grace at not (yet?) being great at scuba diving and allowing myself the room to continue to learn and grow. And I remembered to acknowledge how fortunate I was to be able to explore underwater another of this country’s amazing National Parks.
Yesterday, I swam a short distance, paddle boarded a longer distance, counted my blessings, counted them again, pondered the existence of God and of love, stood amazed at the Universe, watched the sun chase the moon off the horizon as I’ve done every day here and thought again about all the things I’ve wanted to know and learn, all the places I wanted to see and visit, all of the things I still had yet to experience, and wrestled with the notion about who I was, who I am and who I want to be. And I thought of someone I knew, who once told me how she “repeated all the mantras I’ve been meaning to tell myself but have been too intimidated by the confidence it takes to mean them.” So I did that too.
And then I cried. Some were truly happy tears and some were tears tinged with regret while others were from sadness and some even from longing. I cried tears as salty as the sea I was diving and swimming in as I saw through all my bullsh*t ~ enough to scare me and enough to excite me. To see that often I’m the one limiting myself ~ sometimes because I’m trying to live up to the stories I’ve been told about the life that I should be living but mainly by my own narratives, doubts and fears. But then I’m reminded that I’m living this life because I’m daring to face those insecurities and embrace what comes at me. Took some time to appreciate all the weird, wild, incredible situations that I have gotten myself into (and as miraculously out of) ~ not just this weekend but also frequently in my life and especially the past few years. Sitting on the plane now…as we ride out some not so small bumps and turbulence, I day dream all my future dreams coming true.
And fittingly, I’m able to watch the sun chase the moon over the city then off the horizon now. And I gaze at this gorgeous sunrise from my window seat and am reminded that today is a new day and new start…and yes the best is yet to come but only if I will be truly open to that and the universe.
Does anyone else feel like this? That you are the one that limits yourself more than anything or anybody else in your life?
For me, it’s not only those stories I tell myself about who I am (or was) or my fears that limit me…it’s about truly being vulnerable. About revealing sometimes even to myself my deepest self doubts and my worries…but I’m trying. Even allowing myself to cry over all of those things is a step and to tell you about it is another. So this is my start..my narratives, my hopes, my doubts, my dreams, my fears, my regrets, my desires being laid out and bared to allow myself to manifest what I want, what I need. To have the courage to truly and unapologetically go all in and to know that no matter what happens, it was all worth it and I would do it again…in a heartbeat.
with love and light always, Rosemary