I’ve been told how brave I am. Also that I should share my story and/or write a book. That’s one hell of an introduction to this story right? I’m not sure how true those statements are but I’ll be honest that I have been debating for a long time whether to share this so publicly.
You probably have noticed that I am pretty open about showing the reality (good and bad) that is my life. But I also have been very guarded about certain parts so allow me to start by addressing the biggest issue I have with sharing this. I’m conflicted because it involves my ex-fiancé and I’m sharing (the most painful part of) our story. I don’t want to cause any more harm or hurt but I also know that it’s helped others so I put this out with that as my intention. And I fully acknowledge that this is only my side ~ my take, my interpretation of the events, issues and my feelings and thoughts.
Well we might as well begin before I change my mind. And since I’ve brought him up now, I’ll take the time to give you some background about this man and about us. He is a good man, no strike that, he is an amazing man. He is a kind, sweet, intelligent, good looking, funny, faithful (I could go on and on type of) man. Maybe you would prefer an example? He is the man that literally, physically, pushed me up a mountain so I would fulfill a lifetime dream of seeing the summit of Mount Kilimanjaro. I was suffering pretty badly with AMS and wanted to give up when we reached Stella Point, but he wouldn’t let me. He even offered to carry me then even with us being more than an hour or two away and would have, if I had permitted him to…so instead he muscled me up. And how were we? We could do anything together and have a great time and it wasn’t uncommon to hear about how great or perfect we were. We had been together for almost all of my adult life and had bought another home to start the next chapter of our lives. And yet, he is the man I chose to end a relationship with.
I will tell you that being the one to end things doesn’t make it easier. Not when it involves breaking the heart of someone that I love and that loves me so intensely and completely. In many ways it’s harder because I’m knowingly causing so much pain for him and myself. But Socrates stated that an unexamined life isn’t worth living and I agree completely. I had to face the truth that even though I shared a mostly good love with a truly good soul, what didn’t work ultimately made it not good for me.
I am not going into a lot of specifics here other than it wasn’t a case of who was right or wrong but rather it was knowing that I couldn’t expect someone to change something that was fundamentally important to me. To do so would have been setting us up for failure and it wasn’t fair to ask that of him. What I had to decide if I could live with it and I knew I couldn’t.
Allow me to add something here and this next statement isn’t meant to be judgemental. It’s meant to be thought provoking. You can’t think that the worse thing in the world is to lose your partner. What would be the worse thing is stay together because of that fear or its twin, the fear of being alone. You should be together because you love and honor each another and that what you share is the best thing for both of you. And that you two don’t complete each other but you complement (and challenge) each other.
But just because it was the right thing to do didn’t stop it from breaking my own heart. It didn’t lessen the pain, it didn’t stop the oceans of tears, nor did it make easier to follow through with my decision. So how did I get through those sleepless nights, push back the doubts, and not come back those first few days in South America or even later on in my travels? I persevered because I knew that it was the right thing to do and that I would heal ~ that I would find the strength and courage within myself. I gave myself permission, space and time to grieve, hurt and heal; if I needed to cry, shout, talk, laugh, or travel, then I did. It was a definitely a roller coaster with the ups and downs but eventually it got easier and better. And it helped that I truly believed that we would both be better off in the end.
I am sharing this painful part of my past and writing this post for the person who isn’t sure about what to do when faced with a difficult crossroad in his/her life. At that time, I also simultaneously quit my job. Or more accurately, I left a very successful career that I excelled at. But I heeded the advice I always gave to others and made the simple calculation did this job (or insert boyfriend/friend/thing) add more than it took away? The way to answer that is so personal and only you can truly do it for yourself. What is most important to you? What are your non negotiables? Be honest and be willing to plumb the depths of your being to find the answer. And then be courageous enough to fully commit to the decision you make.
Lastly, I also urge you practice something that will help you not only heal but can transform your outlook. You need to let go of the bitterness, hostility, anger that may exist. Learn to make peace and seek a path forward. I look back at the time I had with him and am thankful that we even existed and that we shared the love that we had. I am thankful for my job that allowed me to form such amazing connections and develop so many skills. And both helped challenge me and make me who I am today. I never think of either in terms of years that were wasted. I am truly grateful for what was and what happened but also am proud that I was able to leave when I decided I needed to. I also look back on the mistakes I made and acknowledge them but refuse to dwell on them. I know that there were so many times that I could have/should have been better to him/took him for granted etc. I use them now as lessons for how I can do better and be better now and in the future.
And most importantly, I learned that I must be good and true to myself. I became the maker of my own destiny. So be brave, be strong, be confident to live and love the life you are meant to ~ with no regrets. Doing this and opening myself up to the universe has lead to a pretty incredible life with some amazing stories.
With much love and light ~ Rosemary ❤️
December 23, 2016
PS After sharing my story and spending a lot of time talking and reflecting recently on this, I’ve realized that I need to say something else. What I did, I did with mainly selfish intentions to be true to myself. But I also was in love with him and loved him dearly ~ and in some ways will always love him. However sometimes the best things that we can do for those we love is allow them to be free and happy and especially to find the love that they deserve if we can’t provide it to them ourselves. It doesn’t take away from what was but allows for the possibility of what can be and that’s how love should be.